I know that the world has seen this b4, but its classic and needs to be played at least once a year like those adorable Xmas stop motion films.

Madex, I know how much you love The Muppets. So this is for you. Now for $2.00 you can a Muppet ringtone on your iPhone.

Joblo.com is saying that Richard Donner is pushing to get the

live stage version of the 80’s film up an running and WB is behind the idea.

In the words of Mama Fetelli, “Kids suck”,

and so does this idea, no one wants to hear shrill kids in a theater for 2 hours for 120 a seat.

If they were smart the would do it like Point Break Live and do it lo-fi style in a shitty bar and cast all lesbians as the kids.

Dear Bumps,

where do i get a successful man?

- Awesome Single Broad

Dear Awesome Single Broad:

The best thing to remember is NO BARS. It is very rare to meet a successful gentleman at a bar. Or a club and never ever at a tanning salon. If you are like me and have a problem attracting the drunk, homeless and marginally employed its good to make friends with some private investigators. Run a background check on your perspective dude before you allow yourself to develop any feelings.

Honey, we live in a time where being a descent (let alone successful) person is entirely negotiable. The internets have ruined us as a people and made
it entirely too easy to live in a fantasy world of your own construction at all times. Hide your vagina when you go clubbing or to a show. There is nothing there for you. Its like the scene in pretty woman where they don’t want Julia Roberts to shop. You have to be the bitch who wont let Julia Roberts shop until she has money.

There are a lot of man-babys out there who want to hide in your vagina for the rest of your life. A lot of these man-babys might try to pose as successful gentlemen and will trick you into a relationship until one day you wake up and realize that sure, they are successful but your playing mommy to a 40 year old man. So, stay out of the bars, don’t let a man-baby hide in your coochie, remember that you are a hot ticket and learn how to tell a young hot doctor a mile away. I know you and you want a doctor.

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

It is believed the mother thought she had booked a gorillagram to rush into her 16-year-old son’s classroom for a birthday surprise - but a stripper turned up instead.

Link

Dear Bumps,

Why are boys so stupid?

Signed,
Someone who needs to know.

Dear Someone who needs to know:

It isn’t that “boys” are stupid, its that they are selfish. I slightly take issue with using “boys” instead of “men” because I am trying to help irradicate our rampant Man-baby problem, but when in Rome do as the Romans. I am going assume that you are referring to general stupidity issues. This is an easy one. All the boys I know who are “stupid” are stupid because they are spoiled and narcissistic and their mothers pampered them so severely that they cannot function as adults.
( Unless you mean actually stupid-stupid. In that case, don’t call people stupid honey, its uncharitable.)

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

Dear Bumps,

I feel like I have white people problems. By white people problems, I
mean I’m not starving, and I have cable TV, yet I get mad at my
cleaning lady. She comes once every two weeks to clean the floors,
kitchen and bathroom. The problem isn’t that she can’t speak english,
and it isn’t that she has a Burt Reynolds handlebar mustache, its that
she never shows up on time and never answers her cell phone. She makes
me late to work and on most days I have to leave my door unlocked all
day, and hope that when I get home that she has come to clean it and
hope even more that someone hasn’t stolen all my possessions. I want
to get a new cleaning lady that is dependable, but I feel they are
hard to find. I like her, whatever her name is and I also like the
fact she can’t speak english cause she has organized my condoms and
lube on many occasions.

Bumps, what should I do?

Sincerely,
White People Problem.

Dear White People Problem:

While I understand the need to have someone else clean your house sometimes (I am assuming you work like a motherfucker and would like to be able to lick your kitchen floor without getting salmonella should the need arise) I also understand the weirdness of having a stranger you can’t communicate and can’t necessarily depend on in your house without you. You call this a cleaning lady. I called it my college roomates.
That said, you are essentially saying “good help is soooo hard to find” and that is totally dynasty and that takes your question to a whole new level of fabulous. Good help is hard to find unless you are prepared to treat people who work for you REALLY well. I used to be a rich white mans lackey. While that rich white man made me do degrading things like serve lunch to Perry Ferrel he also did awesome things like give me access to his personal chef and paid me disgusting amounts of money. Becuase he took good care of me, I had no problem giving up all of my personal time and doing it well with a smile on my face. I’m not telling you to throw thousands of dollars at your cleaning lady or fly her around in a private jet. I am saying when you find someone you are comfortable with (ask around to people you know to see if they recommend someone and under NO circumstances use craigslist) pay her as much as you can afford and leave treats sometimes or tips. Its bribery. Rub some money on your problem and it will go away. Your house will be clean, your shit wont be broken and you will get to work on time.

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

Ask me anything. I will give you terrible advice.

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

Please include your astrological sign and credit information so I can steal your identity and buy a pricey rug for my new apartment that my cats will desecrate within 3 days.

I will patiently await your queries.

Sincerely,

Kelly C Bumps esq

recently i moved from sf, land of the hippie and alley crackhead:

to oakland, land of…well, i don’t really know yet, but the crackheads seem to prefer major streets to alley ways:

i realize this isn’t a big deal to anyone, but to me it means that “the city” is now across a ginormous bay along with my local bars, favorite restaurants and bff (whateves very own moxxxie). the only thing i can liken this to is moving from manhattan to brooklyn. there’s a “why the fuck does this feel so different?” vibe to it. it’s all the same, yet somehow different. we’ll see how it goes. so far cheap rent for my own place in an, albeit, sketchy neighborhood seems worth it.

so, whateves friends, if you know of stuff in oakland (not that i expect you to), you lemme know cuz i ain’t got a clue. guess it’s a good time to get out and do some “something i ate” reviews though.

Silhouette Masterpiece Theatre

L.A. Galaxy played an “exhibition” match against the Vancouver Whitecaps up in British Columbia.

Becks was seen laughing at the incident and told the paper: “I have seen it before. We’ve had it a few times in Europe [and] you try and run the other way.”

More than four million Chinese-made toys sold in the U.S. as Aqua Dots are being recalled after reports surfaced that children swallowed beads containing a chemical found to mimic the effects of the so-called date-rape drug.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission said it has received two reports of children swallowing Aqua Dots and slipping into comas. Both children are now fine, the commission said. At least three children have been hospitalized in Australia, where the product is called Bindeez, after ingesting beads from the toy.

link

“A thousand years ago, people did not bathe like we do now. They must’ve smelled to the high heavens, but obviously they still got it on. From a biological standpoint, deodorants are overused because they can make people seem more attractive than their basic biology.” More

Where is everyone? Have all our contributors gone on strike?

Day 4 - Many actors are showing their support for the writers that give them the great lines they say.

Shows that are closing down already are: 24 (no new season this year), The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Daily show, Colbert Report, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan Obrian, 30 Rock, SNL, Two and a Half Men, Back to you, The new adventures of Old Christine. More shows will wrap shooting in the coming weeks, depending on how man scripts they had in the bank, but most shows only have a few scripts, and all the shows that are currently still filming will run out of scripts by Dec. Original dramatic programing will  end by 2008. For people who don’t watch TV, this won’t effect them. Feature films will not take the hit for some time, studios have vaults of film scripts, not to mention all the films that they have shelved that might make light just yet.

The union says the overall compensation package it sought would cost $220 million over three years, a fraction of the $24.4 billion in revenues generated by U.S. DVD sales and rentals last year alone, according to accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. That is just pennies on each DVD and download if you think about it.

Still, looking for a new career. I’ve always wanted to be a park ranger in the Sierras. Also, Australia has expressed interest in me moving there.