Dear Bumps,

where do i get a successful man?

- Awesome Single Broad

Dear Awesome Single Broad:

The best thing to remember is NO BARS. It is very rare to meet a successful gentleman at a bar. Or a club and never ever at a tanning salon. If you are like me and have a problem attracting the drunk, homeless and marginally employed its good to make friends with some private investigators. Run a background check on your perspective dude before you allow yourself to develop any feelings.

Honey, we live in a time where being a descent (let alone successful) person is entirely negotiable. The internets have ruined us as a people and made
it entirely too easy to live in a fantasy world of your own construction at all times. Hide your vagina when you go clubbing or to a show. There is nothing there for you. Its like the scene in pretty woman where they don’t want Julia Roberts to shop. You have to be the bitch who wont let Julia Roberts shop until she has money.

There are a lot of man-babys out there who want to hide in your vagina for the rest of your life. A lot of these man-babys might try to pose as successful gentlemen and will trick you into a relationship until one day you wake up and realize that sure, they are successful but your playing mommy to a 40 year old man. So, stay out of the bars, don’t let a man-baby hide in your coochie, remember that you are a hot ticket and learn how to tell a young hot doctor a mile away. I know you and you want a doctor.

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

Related posts:

1. Ask A Bumps - How Old is Too Old? Dear Askabumps@gmail.com, I am 27. I feel old. I...
2. Ask A Bumps - Surrogate Mom Dear Bumps, I live with roommates who do not...
3. Ask A Bumps - Over/Under Dear Bumps, I have a question which has been...
4. ask A Bumps - Too Lazy Dear Bumps, this one is lofty, but i have...
5. Ask A Bumps - Migration Dear Bumps, So early last year most of my...