Dear Bumps,

I feel like I have white people problems. By white people problems, I
mean I’m not starving, and I have cable TV, yet I get mad at my
cleaning lady. She comes once every two weeks to clean the floors,
kitchen and bathroom. The problem isn’t that she can’t speak english,
and it isn’t that she has a Burt Reynolds handlebar mustache, its that
she never shows up on time and never answers her cell phone. She makes
me late to work and on most days I have to leave my door unlocked all
day, and hope that when I get home that she has come to clean it and
hope even more that someone hasn’t stolen all my possessions. I want
to get a new cleaning lady that is dependable, but I feel they are
hard to find. I like her, whatever her name is and I also like the
fact she can’t speak english cause she has organized my condoms and
lube on many occasions.

Bumps, what should I do?

Sincerely,
White People Problem.

Dear White People Problem:

While I understand the need to have someone else clean your house sometimes (I am assuming you work like a motherfucker and would like to be able to lick your kitchen floor without getting salmonella should the need arise) I also understand the weirdness of having a stranger you can’t communicate and can’t necessarily depend on in your house without you. You call this a cleaning lady. I called it my college roomates.
That said, you are essentially saying “good help is soooo hard to find” and that is totally dynasty and that takes your question to a whole new level of fabulous. Good help is hard to find unless you are prepared to treat people who work for you REALLY well. I used to be a rich white mans lackey. While that rich white man made me do degrading things like serve lunch to Perry Ferrel he also did awesome things like give me access to his personal chef and paid me disgusting amounts of money. Becuase he took good care of me, I had no problem giving up all of my personal time and doing it well with a smile on my face. I’m not telling you to throw thousands of dollars at your cleaning lady or fly her around in a private jet. I am saying when you find someone you are comfortable with (ask around to people you know to see if they recommend someone and under NO circumstances use craigslist) pay her as much as you can afford and leave treats sometimes or tips. Its bribery. Rub some money on your problem and it will go away. Your house will be clean, your shit wont be broken and you will get to work on time.

Send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com.

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