When I was 8, seeing The Never Ending Story was one of the best experiences of my childhood. Being a closeted 8 year old, the second best thing about that movie was Atreayu. Having the hugest crush on him (and co-star Barret Oliver), I used to think how much fun it would be if we were friends and hung out (Hey when you’re 8 and don’t have many friends, this is what you do).

In any event, I was bored at work last week, looking shit up on IMDB, and came across Never Ending Story and looked up Atreayu. Needless to say, somebody left a link to his myspace page. He’s all tattooed up now,married, stoned and living in Studio City.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=93411665

Dear Ask A Bumps,

I have cat issues. My cat runs around in the morning and digs his
nails into the hardwood. I dont mind the marks on the hardwood cause
its old and smells like a museum but i do hate the noise. Sometimes
when he comes by i throw a pillow at him and then he stops. Should i
throw him in a palm tree to teach him a lesson? I think by doing this
treatment he will learn that his life is pretty good and he needs to
let me sleep. What do you think?

Thanks,
Ass.Implants

Dear Ass.Implants:

Askabumps@gmail.com has asked you nicely on several occasions (very rarely threatening violence to your face) to not throw things at mr. chang. I think YOUR life is pretty good and you need to let ME sleep.
There is no solution to this problem.

Sincerely
bumps

Here is a photo of a new trend I’m noticing in Long Beach. Segways are taking over! Here is 10+ people driving their Segways up a hill on Pine toward Ocean Blvd. I can’t help but to think of Arrested Development when I see someone driving down the street.

Its been so long since Battlestar has been on the air. Just as soon as I got all caught up with the series they went on a year hiatus. POOOOP. But they have made a new 2 hour movie: Razor, to keep us happy till the 4th and final season returns to The Sci Fi Channel in 2008. If you’re not familiar with the series, Netflix it now.

Click here to see 7 Adama 40 year old flash backs from the film.

Just like last years Elf Yourself, Office Max now brings you Scrooge Yourself. Roll call: can we get the whateves.com contributers to please post an image.

www.scroogeyourself.com

Dear Bumps,

What is the deal with girls and the word “cunt”? Anytime you say that word around a girl they instantly don’t like it. Is this degrading to women? Is this word offensive? Is there some secret rule that us guys don’t know about that is only passed on from female to female on the insides of tampon boxes?

Just so you know when I’m coming from let me set up the situation. This past weekend I was doing some work for my wife on my computer (laying out an ad). She asked me to move something over just a bit… a scosh if you will… a pixel. Just a minor movement. So I replied with… “OK honey, I’ll move it over a cunt hair”. She instantly had a look in her eyes that I have never seen before. It reminded me of Zule from Ghostbusters. She then asked me to promise never to say that word again. I tried to explain how that is an industry term for “a little” bit but she was not buying it.

Any advice will help,

- Mr. Confused

Dear Mr. Confused:

Askabumps@gmail.com had to sleep on this one for a couple of days. Ignoring the fact that a good portion of your question is patronizing to women (please honey, “passed on from female to female on the inside of tampon boxes”? Who did you think you were winning over with that one? This column is called ask a bumps not ask a mr. bumps.) I can understand your frustration. Especially becuase a) sometimes we call eachother that and b) women aren’t offended by it 100% of the time. Its the “n” word for women, if you will (and I completly understand if you wont).
That said, this is on the long list of “lady things” that I just don’t get. My answer is that broads need to relax. Giving power to words like Cunt, bitch, whore, hoe, cum dumpster and baby grave (I stole this from tarasaidthat. I dont know what it means but it makes me laugh) are just another way to hide whats really bothering you. Chances are, your lady is actually upset that in a way what you said made her feel like a peice of furniture. Like you don’t take her serriously or feel like her sexuality is disposable. I know, I know…BORING and worse, weird. Look, being a dame is confusing and strange. You get a thousand messages everyday about what it means to have a vagina and unfortunatley most of these messages are tiny jabs about how You are almost as _____ as a dude or how you can be more like a dude but you have to stay a chick etc. ect. It sounds lame but it fucks with your head something fierce. When chicks freak out about stuff that seems trivial, thats usually why. Plus, as a married Bumps I can honestly say that there is nothing wifeys want more than to be on a “team” with their dude not feel alienated from him. If the word cunt bums her out, don’t use it around her. Wait till your around people who don’t care if you use it and drop it as much as you can. I’m not tryin to come down on you, I think you’re great. Just serriously, don’t be retarded.

Bumps

Past AskaBumps 

Send questions to askabumps@gmail.com

-source

 

“AN INDONESIAN known as “Tree Man” - because of incredibly long warts on his hands and feet that resemble tree roots - is still baffling many experts about the cause of his condition.

After cutting his knee as a teenager, 35-year-old Dede now has “warty roots” coming out of his arms and legs in what was believed to be a life-threatening condition.”

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Link contains video of Dede. It will blow your mind.

Don’t confuse the can with an MGD Tall Boy… However, the image does look a little bit like a confused George Bush. This can of Arnold Palmer (jeasus juice) is the perfect combo of sweet ice tea and tart lemonade. This is the light version with 1/3 less calories (perfect for diet challenge participants) and made by Arizona Ice Teas. I like to drink it then give a thumbs up to Arnold (on the can). So far I’m up to almost a can a day.

I give it 5 Madex’s out of 5

Other stuff we ate