kid talking about monster
Posted by Chopstick Sensei
in
whateves on January 18th, 2008 @ 7:55 pm
Warning: Spoilers…kind of
I have been excited about seeing cloverfield. Not shit-your-pants excited but excited enough to play the viral marketing games for the last 6 months and get all giddy when new clues showed up on the website. And speculate about it endlessly to my husband who humored me and my co-workers who are equally suckered into all things nerd. So the culmination of all this waiting ended in my co-workers who are horror fans and comic geeks and I going to the first show on opening day at the movie theater next door to our office.
and
I don’t feel like I can give the movie a proper review becuase I only watched 25% of it. The other 75% was spent clutching my stomach and hiding my eyes from the shaking camera and flashing lights praying to jesus that I did not shit my pants. Diarreah is my bodies response to motion sickness which I rarely ever get. ( I saw the Blair Witch Project in a foreign country with subtitles and didn’t get sick until it was over. I have an iron stomach.) So when in the first 10 minutes (10 of the most excruciatingly boring minutes ever commited to film) my stomach relaxed like i was on my second drink at tiki ti (it should be called ass-piss ti) I was filled with rage. I figured that once the monsters came, I would be so excited I would be able to look at the screen and wouldn’t even notice the shaky camera. Wrong. So wrong. Becuase when the monsters come…Matt Reves decides its time to throw some strobing effects at you and then shine bright light and then more strobing. There is nothing that will make you crap yourself faster. So I’m holding my stomach, trying not to loose control of my bowels in front of my co-workers waiting for a descent look at the monster. First we see some little guys. They look straight out of Starship troopers and make cute noises. Impossible to be afriad of becuase even thier attack is kind of cute (see also pokemon spiders from The Mist). Then when I saw the the Monster, I almost crapped for a different reason. It is the dumbest monster ever. The monster in the mist was scarrier. It looked kind of like a cross between the t-rex from Jurrasic Park and Roger from American Dad. I’m not even going to mention the rest of it which I had to just listen to becuase I didn’t want to waste the time I could stand looking at the screen on the worst story possible and characters I couldn’t care less about. I opened my eyes for the monsters who I was rooting for and every time I did, JJ abrams punched me in the balls.
See it for yourself. Take some water. Take some immodium. Do some lamaz breathing. I’m not saying you won’t like it, I’m just saying I didn’t and the monster was dumb and I almost got diarreah in my seat at a mann theater and I don’t like to pay $10 to get it unless I have eaten something delicious.
