UGGH, where to even begin. One thing I have noticed about working for the newsentertainmentmediaconglomorate that I do, is that I am far more interested in the news than I have ever been before. I don’t really give a piss as to what entertainment crap we’re showing, just the news. It seems to always be more bizarre than real life. Case in point: Some high school junior is mad that she can’t take her 22 year old fiancé to prom.Are you kidding me? Seriously? Watch the video, yes, that’s her fiancé. Also check out that RING! WHOO!! Nicely done! He went all out. Wouldn’t you if you had a high school betrothed?

I am certain that he has a great job at the Jiffy Lube, or the cell phone kiosk in the mall, or possibly attends a junior college, but will he even remotely give her the life she deserves? Yes. He will. In a cruel twist of fate, these idiots will probably play the lotto one day, and in the midst of changing the diapers on one of their 6 kids and watching Wheel Of Fortune, and these clods will realize that they won 82.5 million dollars. Of course, they won’t be smart enough to get the lump sum, change all of their contact info, immediately invest it in something low risk and just move to Fiji, like I am going do… Oh no. They’ll get a giant SUV with all the options, a few dirt bikes, a huge house with some garish doo-dads out front, some stupid play-land for the now 7 kids they have and then they will lose it all somehow. Probably with a land deal in the everglades, or some magic beans, but I digress.

When I was in my early years of college, and making pizzas my life was focused on 3 things: punk rock, getting out of school and getting a good job, and not getting wrapped up with some trick-ho. My parents raised me right. “Take your time, find a girl with money, or at least one who’s attractive and who can make money…” they said. Notice they did not say “Start dating some high school sophomore, get a sweet job in customer service at the local call center processing J.Crew catalog orders and then buy her a swank ring and get engaged. Then a year later she’ll want you go to prom, and you won’t be able to go, seeing how you’re a creepy older guy dating a high school junior, the media will jump all over it and you’ll be FAMOUS!”

That’s because my parents are brilliant. My mom saves the sick from dying a painful death each day, and my dad smokes a pipe and wears a tweet jacket, quoting Shakespeare while he walks through the house. Brilliant, I said.

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