NYC, iPhones and fixies are better than my old LA lifestyle, Blackberries, and Audi A6’s, maybe even suburbs, Wal-Mart, and foreign cars.
Hey, guess what, I’m alive!
I last posted from Sydney, where I was noticeably quiet about HOW AWESOME IT WAS because, well… it wasn’t. There were a lot of great things about Sydney mind you (especially the food), but it has about as much cultural sophistication as San Diego. I went back to LA, where I couldn’t stand celebrity culture, urban sprawl, and craptastic traffic, packed up my shit, sold my car, and moved to NYC, where we resume our hero’s “my city is better than yours” story.
On Saturday, some kid made off with my iPhone at the Brooklyn Banks, which is as best as I can describe it, one of the last, great original skate (and bmx) spots. At best guess, there were about oh… a MILLION little urban grom kids there that day, on all manner of ratty skateboards, department-store bmx bikes, the shoes of shame (fruitboots), and the lowest on the EXTREEEEME sports totem pole, the razor scooter crowd. To make a long story short, I was shredding the gnar, and the damn thing fell out of my pocket without me noticing–some lady came up to me and said: “Check your pockets, something fell out–I hope it wasn’t important, one of those kids ran off with it.”, pointing in the general direction of about oh… a half a million little twats, none of which would never ever just hand over an iPhone they just found.
So, that blows, right? NYC 1, Smoovebert 0
Nobody has iPhones in stock since the new one is coming out in just a few weeks, and even used 4GB (not even 8GB, or 16GB) are fetching upwards of $300, so I was basically shit out of luck. I decided that I might try out one of the ubiquituous Crackberries you see welded to the hands of half of the 9-to-5 drones buzzing about Manhattan–I mean, they must be good, if everybody has them, right? Well, of course I ended up hating the Crapberry as much as I hate the frat boy douchetards that carry them (*sweeping generalization alert*), and I couldn’t get rid of it fast enough.
This is where it turns into the sladehayes-inspired my city is better than yours rant.
I got home after work today and after dealing with the Dingleberry all day, I could think of nothing else than to get rid of it. Fuelled by a scotch or two, I rode my fixed gear bike to the AT&T store a mile away, (bunnyhopping bums and passing 3 vinyl-only record stores), threw the Shitberry across the counter and declared it to be a pile of shit, received my refund, rode my bike back, and was “across the line” as Jeremy Clarkson exactly 30 minutes from when I left.
If I had tried that in LA, the nearest store would be much farther, but even if it wasn’t, I’d be stuck in traffic, I’d be circling around effing parking lots for days, it would be 100 fucking degrees, and I would be home in an hour and a half, super keyed up and ready to kick the neighbor’s cat. (or the rooster of the Hispanic neighbors when I lived in Glassell Park. Man, I hated that thing.)
If I lived in the ‘burbs, they probably would have politely returned my iPhone to me and I wouldn’t have had to ever deal with the Shingleberry in the first place, but then again, I wouldn’t have my all-vinyl record stores, legendary skate spots, and bars to walk to. *zing*
No related posts.
fix gears are so 2006 bro. At least you will fit in. Say hi to the douche bags in williamsburg maybe you can do track stands and give each other hand jobs
Hand Jobs are easy to get in the city, try getting a hand job in the burbs at 11pm. Never gonna happen.
manhattan. i’m a grown ass man
Handjobs are easy to come by in the suburbs. That’s what babysitters are for… oh wait, I’ve said too much. Fix gears? Seriously? Soon there’s gonna be a retro BMX post where we wax poetic about P.K. Rippers, Redlines and the Hutch’s we couldn’t afford when we were 12, but will easily spend 2 weeks tracking down on Ebay… *sigh* (opens safari, googles “p.k. ripper for sale”)
oh, i guess i won’t post about how i just geeked out a few weeks ago at an old school bmx reunion in Long Beach (CA), just around the corner from phil’s house, or me with eddie fiola. haha.
also to up my cliché quotient, i just finished putting together my hutch trick star–just like the one that was stolen from me at the bowling alley when i was a wee lad.
Hey you were by my house and didn’t say hi? sigh. It’s cool, I was in NYC and didn’t say hi to you… I guess we are even now.
i couldn’t go by your house, i’m scared of skunks
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