Its summertime here in the office, and there’s been some recent developments I’d like to share…First off, we have a bunch of idiots in our midst. They’re re-doing the floor above, so now we have a bunch of half-wit researchers that just blab all damn day long. They’re not cool, they’re background for other people’s lives. These are the people that you would just walk past in an airport and say “they work in an office, doing office shit” because that’s all they are. Did I mention they’re dumb? Because they are.

These clowns have said the following GEMS:

1) “Where does Whole Food get their fish? Is it flown in each day from China or South America?”

2) “I have to give a class on this stuff tomorrow, and I don’t even understand what I am talking about, is it too late to have someone else present? Oh, they signed up for the class months ago? Shit, I was going to go out drinking tonight.”
3) “You know, Jaime Lynn Spears shoulda just had an abortion, she ruined her career”

In response to the above questions -

1) Yes, you idiot, seeing how we live in a city with no ocean front real estate, the fish is flown in, because it can’t swim to your fucking plate.

2) I am not even going to waste my time with a clever and snarky response. Write your own.

3) Did Jamie Lynn Spears have some sort of stellar, Academy Award trajectory career path I am un-aware of? The baby is about all she’s good for, and in a year when its in the hospital for being sick because she fed it a diet of peanut butter, we’ll be able to mention her name again. Kudos for getting in the spotlight Jamie Lynn, now go back underground.

We also have 2 interns this summer. One is a nice young lady from the local univ. and actually has insightful things to say, is plesant and smart. The other is a high-schooler that says nothing, does nothing, but comes in at 6:30am and gets on Facebook all day. Meanwhile my car isn’t getting washed, I have to venture out for my own lunch, and she’s going to an Ivy League school in the fall. Unfair. I want to be going to an Ivy League school in the fall and have taudry sex with pretentious whores with trust funds.

We do have a lot of fun things going on this summer here… like the cafeteria trying to kill me today. I am allergic to Tuna, and nearly choked down an entire Tuna salad sandwich under the guise that it was really Chicken Salad. I wanted to throw it back at the guy that made it, but we all know that you don’t piss off food workers that you see on a daily basis. Otherwise I would end up dead for sure.

What else… Oh! I ruined a copier the today, on purpose, to get the copier woman to come down and hear her complain about fixing it. Seriously. She sounds and looks exactly like Dolly Parton, minus the rack. She’s from Tennesee and barely knows what she’s doing, so everytime she comes down to fix something, its a great time because she says backwoods things like “This roller’s all gummed up like its been dipped in molasses and sat out in da sun!” and “What in tarnation is this thing a doin’?” I send 8 print jobs to the printer that were all 10 pages each. The printer does have a bad set of rollers in it, which I knew, so it chewed up about 80 pages of paper this morning, which she is still trying to get pulled out of the machine. We can’t get a new printer for our dept until this one dies (its under contract) so I am going to personally kill it with my bare hands… In a month she’ll come in with a new printer for us and say something like “Shazam! here’s your new printer, all shiny and ready to go like a clean pig at the fair!”

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