Open Letter to Taco Bell
This past weekend the wife was out of town with the girls. That really means one thing: I eat like total shit. Usually I eat fruit, some chicken, vegetables, soda, some crackers, more fruit and some more soda. Somewhere there’s some cheese in the mix too.
The wife and the girls don’t encourage the fast food. I, of course being male, and slow to see the path of destruction it leads me down, love the fast food. Taco Bell has always been there for me, through thick and thin. Its been there on every road trip, its greeted me with open arms on a bright SoCal morning when I felt adventurous and ate Taco Bell breakfast. But not eating it for about a year and then being able to get it whenever I wanted for the better part of a week made me realize something: TaCo Bell sucks ass. It doesn’t suck more than it used to, its always the shoddy quality its been, but what really stands out is that they just make new shit out of the old parts and pass it off as something new. Its much like a taco version of GM. Sure, it says Cadillac, but really its a bunch of Chevy Aveo parts glued together and painted some shiny new Cadillac-only color. There are staples of the menu that need to stay there: the taco supreme, the bean burrito, the chips with the mystery nacho sauce, all of the nacho platters, the cinnamon twists, and the mexican pizza, but as far as I am concerned, it needs to end there. I don’t see the need to have a hex-shaped-flying-saucer-tacoesque item, ever.
Lets look at the menu and see what we find…
Tacos: They have 8 tacos. Seriously? 8? You need 2 - chicken or beef.
Burritos: 9 burritos. Van Damme! Why? And one of these nasto creations has POTATOES on it. Gross. Tater tots do not belong on a burrito. Ever. Removed.
Gorditas: Gorditas are just stupid. Its like a damn pita, but not a pita. GONE.
Chalupas: Chalupas are a waste too. They’re just a FRIED Gordita. Cut.
Other: Umm…they have Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes, which are just tater tots and nacho cheese sauce. For real? I bet the dudes that work there have a running bet each week to see what loser is going to order the these. They prolly make like 3 a year. Sacked.
Specialties: They make taquitos, the HexiTaco™, Taco Salad, and some other bullshit they call “Specialties” The only one that needs to stay is the Mexican Pizza. Its the proper mix of food items, poorly-adopted cross cultural references and cheese. It stays.
Quesadillas: My almost 3 year old won’t eat these, and she will eat plastic left over from model kits she has me build. Out.
Bowls: “A bowl filled with seasoned rice, hearty beans, chicken, lettuce, three cheeses, crunchy red strips, Fiesta Salsa, and Zesty dressing on the side.” Fucking “Crunchy Red Strips”!!!! These could easily be shoelaces for all we know. HA HA HA HA WRONG! NO! OUT!
The other item that stays is the pintos and cheese, because homeless people tend to like to get these (no lie) and they need a cheap fix too.
They seem to also have a “Fresco Menu” which is way too much for me to even get into right now.
Here’s how we fix Taco Bell: we take 1/3 and just close them, forever. Then we take the remaining 2/3 and then turn 1/4 of them into Chipotles. Take another 1/4 and turn those into Wahoo’s. Then take the remaining 16% and strip off everything on the menu but tacos, a bean burrito, the mexican pizza, some nachos and the ice cream taco (so stupid it works) and then only put those outlets in Airports, Bus Depots, Home Depots, Wal-Marts and in a series of mobile 18-Wheeler trucks that just cruise around looking for groups kids on skateboards (no dis on skaters, you just have to do something that the suits will understand) and stoners. These would primarily be driving around areas of the Inland Empire, Gainesville Florida, Appalachia, Widespread Panic shows, Mission Beach, Santa Barbara and Little 5 Points in Atlanta. I also would open up some sort of mail order frozen Taco Bell business, which would target Worlds of Warcraft players, old people, comic book store employees and the mobile home owners who have gotten computers from Blue Hippo. I am certain that within minutes of posting this I will get a call from the CEO of Yum Brands and these changes will be made within a matter of weeks. Thank you and good night.
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I agree. Americanized Mexican food is really only four things all switched around.
So, true…
Rice… check
Beans… check
Questionable meats… check
Arrange accordingly.
this is total bullshit. my friend, this is america and you should be able to order whatever wacky ass shit you want. i think you’re just too scared to order a crunch wrap supreme or whatever. ps. potatoes in burritos are bomb.
I’m sorry you don’t have Del Taco in your neck of the Americas.
I really love a good sladehayes rant.
i do have del taco but i only order the hamburgers.
alls i can say is…eating taco bell twice in one day with a good friend is more embarrassing than sleeping with them. i did the walk of shame.
Oh for the love, Del Taco? Honestly. I mean, its alright if you’re stuck for food, but I wouldn’t go outta my way for Del Taco. Did some intern at Yum Brands just login to whateves to flame us? Think outside the bun, that’s bullshit in its own regard.
the only flame i be using is the fire sauce.
Talk about going out of my way, I took a 30 dollar cab ride to a Del Taco one night. Best 30 dollars I ever spent.
Please tell me you somehow either wrote that off on your taxes or had the company pay for it. Possibly you shared the cab ride with a hooker?
If by hooker you mean me? I think I even paid for the Del’s on Wheels.
Hmm… I am not sure if I meant to call you a hooker, Pat. I do know that at one time in my life worlds collided and I worked for Pizza Hut, and used to eat at the Taco Bell next door. The manager’s name was Ali Jar. Pretty sure he was in Al Qaeda.
Perhaps that is where the two franchises mated, because the taco bell by my house is also a pizza hut. Same building, same order counter, same toilet, same place for endless refills on tears.
My original goal was to post a rant about both Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. I think that them combining the brands into the same store has only been a downhill slide. I will tell you this much, and everyone can make fun of me, but the Pizza Hut BBQ pizza with Pineapple is a gift from the Lord himself. Only someone who worked at a damn Pizza Hut in college would ever experiment and come up with such an abomination, but I tell you, its gold. Gold, Jerry. Gold.
Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken are all owned by the same parent corporation. If you think the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut mash-ups are annoying, you should see the franchises that combine ALL THREE. It’s pretty much a food court without the mall attached. Which I guess conceptually sounds pretty good — but in reality, such an abundant variety of shitty (read: convenient) greasy food should always go hand-in-hand with a Hot Topic in the same building.
all those brands used to be owned by pepsi along with subway and are littered around the country at ever gas station. i remember going on a cross country drive and consistently only having those restaurants plus mc donalds to choose from. in 1997 pepsi spun off its restaurants into another company called Yum!
Taco Bell is the finest food in the history of Gods’s great earth. Since I have the pleasure of working for the Bell, I consider myself a missionary of the Lord.
Whenever dining at taco bell with slowXgun, he will make the joke regarding crunchwrap supereme that goes a little something like this: “just thow it in my mouth and I’ll catch it like a frisby”
[...] has been a bit of debate about the quality of the Taco Bell lifestlye on whateves.com before, but in florida Taco Bell means some serious business to people. A woman [...]
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