Dear Askabumps,
I am having trouble thinking of a cool halloween costume. I was thinking one way to come up with a great costume idea might be to combine two mediocre costumes. But not every two costumes add up to more than the sum of their parts. Do you have any advice on how to maximize contrast for ironic effect?
Sincerely,
Michael Jackson Pollock

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Dear Askabumps,
In case you haven’t heard, there is a little thing going on called a recession. I wasn’t going to mention it earlier because I thought Obama would have dealt it a good deal of Hope and we would be back on easy street by now. Alas, that is not the case. On top of that, many of my friends have lost their jobs and haven’t had any luck finding more. The days of blowing a bunch of cash at a bar, treating oneself to an exotic dinner, or paying full price for a movie are gone for now. I’m running out of gift cards to the AMC and Sizzler… what can we do to prevent us all from becoming shut ins?
Sincerely,
Recession Shut In

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As many of you know, I have an unhealthy adult relationship with Hello Kitty. And an unhealthy relationship with anatomical anomaly. This combines those two interests and then takes it up a notch with anthropomorphisized (I cant spell, liz lemon!) internal organs.

If anyone out there knows how I can get my hands on these contact me immediately. I am breaking my rule of not allowing toys into the house for this.

Most people eat food because it is good. We eat food because it is preceded by something free, like chips or bread.  We also like gravy. A lot.

We have no qualifications to review food. Bumps is an unemployed blogger who eats cereal in a bathrobe while watching day time television and Carl knits wiener cozies for discriminating Australians and occasionally refers to ranch dressing as a beverage. This is not a food review. We know nothing about food. Unless it’s Little Cesar’s Hot and Ready then we can only tell if it is in our mouths.

What can be said about the Main Street café that hasn’t already been said about your mamma? From the name, the Main Street Café  doesn’t sound like a Mexican restaurant, Italian restaurant, bar or a place where hookers hang out at 2 pm on a Thursday. We saw things we will never un-see, ate things we will never un-eat and were denied their “famous” homemade gravy because it was the wrong time of day.

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Congratulations Madex, on your continued survival on planet earth. We are all really proud of you.
Also, we are all really proud of that time you farted on Kelly Osbourne at Star Shoes.

Patrick Swayze died. Please accept this awesome photo montage from youtube to assuage your grief.

Jerks give me a lot of grief for going to college in the same relatively small town where I grew up. If your city council meetings were like this (and they all are to some degree) you wouldn’t leave either.
Behold…what spawned me

This is awesome to me for 4 reasons.

#1 Parnell Park is where I was attacked by a chicken when I was the size of a chicken

#2 Trumbull Canyon road has been the site of several “satanic” ritual murders

#3 I lost my first tooth on a ricks hamburger. In college, a crazy man threatened to stab my couch rapist friend in the bathroom it was the first and only time someone I was with emerged from a restaurant bathroom yelling run for your life.

#4 Every restaurant…every single goddamn restaurant…even the thai one, serves pie a’la mode

Y’all got problems. I’ve got answers. I’ve also got a rolled up newspaper to hit you with. Send all inquiries to askabumps@gmail.com. I am ready for your jelly. Please accept this photo of my cat playing the piano as proof

May I suggest this…

They do things a little bit different in Mexico. Tonight while in a car with my coworkers I saw a kfc sign that was a depiction of the colonel sander as a lil homie. I gasped audibly and wanted to ask to stop the car so I could take a picture. Then I realized if I did that I would have to explain why and that would take too much effort. Please accept this photo of  carrot top instead.

MADEX interruption.

UPDATE: look at this.

Its on ebay. We need to buy it.

Check it out.

Ex was right. Living in Los Angeles is complicated and tiring. Sometimes to combat this, I like to have a Winchell’s donut in the morning.

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Oh yes. Mama bumps would like:

A classy dinosaur illustration

A compass ring to replace the one I lost:

and if you really love me, Unkle Karl:

Dear Ask A Bumps:

I hate the holidays with family. I’m not married, and I hate going to my parents for Thanksgiving or Xmas. How do I just say no?

Signed,

Santa Claus Sat On My Face

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ask a bumps

I know you do….(read past advice)

so, send them to askabumps@gmail.com and I will give you some bad advice that will get you robbed, car jacked,  divorced and posisbly murdered.