Are you fucking kidding me? you passed 8? You know California. I’ve lived in you my entire life. We had a very special relationship. Mostly, though, I will admit, I liked you because you’re warm. But I am very very dissapointed in you.
Click the jump. I get very angry.
Live from the couch, the 2008 vice presidential debates. On the couch with me tonight are: Linda, Erin, Danielle, Teddy, Jeff, academy award winner Gavin K, Simon, Madex, Badger Pants, Jessica, Worst Case Kevin, Mike, Swako, Dean and Matt.
There is wine and a LOT of pre debate food stuffs, an embarassment of treats during this time of economic hardship. Teddy is talking about his crush on anderson cooper. a game of palin bingo is about to begin. i am eating a potato perogi.
7:17 employees of party city don’t know who abraham lincoln is. We are drinking wine.
7:18 Im wearing tights. Its hot. Im going to get a yeast infection, I just know it.
7:19 everyone is debating the year of lincolns birth.
7:20 Jessica just got here with a pitcher of russian vodka. While we may not be able to see Russia from the House we are eating many russian things. Oh wait she also has alaskan salmon on crackers.
7:23 I am eating an american flag cookie. Danielle made it. Its delicious.
7:24 Dean just got here. We are watching Souljah girl on you tube. This is rivetting.
7: 29 We are picking teams for Palin bingo. I am on team 2.
730 Worst Case Kevin is here.
7:32 Brian Jennings can’t move his face. He may have recently had botox. Tom Brokaw is sort of talking shit on Palin. He seems to have some liver spots on his head.
7:33 Gwen Ifill is wearing a stunning bed quilt. Her face doesn’t move either though…botox?
7:34 Palin walked out and asked if she could call Biden “Joe. Goddamn her.
7:38 First question goes to Biden. What a soft ball opening question. Biden looks like hes having an allergic reaction. Oh fuck. Biden already deffered to a Barak Obama answer; can we leave that to Palin please? Ok, he mentioned middle class.
7:41 Palins talking. Bitch has already mentioned going to a “kids soccer game”. Shes not really answering the question. maybe she wasn’t listening. To be fair, I don’t know what the effects of face lift scars are on ones hearing. She is wearing waaaaaaaay too much lower eye mascara.
7:43 Biden is calling McCain out on having little to no understanding of the economy. Oh Palin has had her blush airbrushed on.
7:44 Palin said Obama is only voting his party line. Her lipgloss is so….sticky looking.
7:45 Alright Gwen! Sub Prime meltdown question. Shit. Bidens body language is amazing.
7:46 Biden has done his homework. I love him. I love his turkey neck and how it waddles. Uh oh, he keeps saying de-regulation. Palin probably doesn’t know what that means.
7:48 Palin can’t finish a sentance. Wow, does everyone have capped teeth?
7:49 Biden called out Palin on avoiding the question.
7:50 Wow, she just avoided the question huge time…rambling…crazy eyes, like that lady astronaunt who tried to kidnap the other lady.
7:51 Danielle is very upset about taxes. “I know the numbers!” Danielle is the Whitney Houston of my life.
7:52 Biden just invoked Regan. Regan shuts everyone up. Its like having a warp zone.
7:53 Palins makeup team needs to tone her shit down. And dye her hair all one color. Oh christ. Shes already talking about States.
7:55 Biden invoked Scranton. Uh oh, Biden’s talking about the internets. He just lots middle america.
7:58 Palins suit is fierce. I hate that I have to say that, but it is.
7:59 Palin just said “bless thier hearts in referrence to exxon. Gavin just yelled “she has said nothing in the past minute”
8:00 Danielle just yelled “we hate you”
8:02 Palin has not stopped talking about the “toxic mess” on mainstreet. I hthink she means wallstreet.
8:05 Biden is loosing his patience with Palin. I don’t blame him. He is a good man, I would have lit her on fire 20 minutes ago.
8:07 Madex just yelled “Solar Bitch!” in relation to Palins speach about energy. Shes not answering any of the questions. Not just dodging them, just talking about whatever.
8:08 oh no, I think Ifill wrote these questions to entertain herself at Palins retarded answer.
8:09 Man, Palin doesn’t understand the environment. Please jesus, please let her say jesus made global warming
8:11 Biden just bitch slapped pallin with his awesome powers of logic.
8:12 Erin just yelled about co, pal and coal mining and coal related layoffs in appalacia. That might be the fastest way to my heart. I want to marry that girl.
8:14 At least palin can pronounce nuclear.
8:15 Crap, Biden just lost 70% of people watching this debate.
8:15 BIden completely supports same sex benefits. Biden just sayed the constitution calls for same sex benefits. OH no! he accidentally said same sex marriage. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….fuck. Fuck. Fucking fucking fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCk.He just lost a shit load of people. fuck.
8:17 Palin came back by immediately slamming gay marriage.
8:19 Biden brought it back by saying he doesn’t support gay marriage. Thank god. yes biden…lie to the american people and then legallize sweet sweet gay marriage nationally.
8:21 Thank god we are finally on the foreign policy questions. Palin just referred to Mc Cain as an american hero. That really shouldn’t be allowed.
8:27 Im loosing steam. On glass of wine #3. I’ve lost count of the Danielle cookies I have eaten.
8:31 Palin is talking shit that makes no sense. oh christ. Uh, did I hear wrong or does she believe we are working with the Taliban? I mean, I guess, technically a couple decades ago we did arm them, but it seems like we may have parted ways.
8:33 Palin just got served. Where is Kfed? He needs to dance up in this piece and maybe pump his crotch in everyones face.
8:34 I wonder if she could find Pakistan on a map without a prompt?
8:39 has Joe Biden been to a spray tan salon in the last 48 hours?
8:40 How was Palin not on a “real Housewives” episode? Biden is the most. I feel really bad for him. Hes basically saying the sky is blue and palin is screaming something about chickens. Im drunk. damn, palin’s shoes are pretty great too. You know, I hate anyone who makes me nostalgic for hillary clinton. Palin makes me nostalgic for hillary clinton.
8:46 Biden just tied Bush to Mc Cain vis a vi no new policy.
8:48 Danielle has only now expressed the desire for palin to drop dead. I am impressed she lasted this long.
8:49 Pappa Joe Biden is controlling himself well. Seriously, who wouldn’t love this man? who I ask you? Hes like the grandpa who shows you his butterfly collection and teaches you all the latin names of their subspecies and then slaps you in the face for drinking and driving. I love him. Also…hes hot.
8:51 Palin becomes less attractive the longer she speaks.
8:55 Biden doesn’t have the “stomach for genocide in darfur” has anyone ever said anything hotter? no.
9:26 i got to drunk to blog and pay attention at the same time so I chose paying attention, I will leave you with this…if you are reading this because you love ICP or Sublime, Please, please, please vote. If you do nothing else for the rest of your civic lives, please vote.
A lot of this liveblog was meant to be funny but the resounding message is not. Be aware of what is happening in politics and in the world. Obviously what the candidates look like is not important. That my friends is entertainment. But on a serrious note, guys, this is the most important election you will ever vote in. Please vote. All of our futures depend on this. This is NOT like the last 4 elections. This is different. The world we live in is a very very different place than it was under Bush Sr, Clinton or most of the two terms of Bush Jr. Please vote. Please vote. Please vote.
I am in Rochester New York for the weekend and guys…its vagina girl town. The first night I got here, the streets were full of vagina girls stumbilng down the street in various stages of loosing their clothes, vomiting. In trashcans, into cars, in the street.
Last night on the way home from Octoberfest, I saw a girl stumble down the street with a very large boob hanging out. The important part of this…they all look like vagina girl. I am in stepford for vagina girls. I feel like, if only I could throw her into a volcano like in lord of the rings, it would stop all the vagina girls forever. I will search for this volcano today….i think it might be an irish pub.
Driving through an industrial area this morning trying to take a short cut, I got a wee bit too close to another car and broke the glass in their mirror. I have a concience so I pull over and get out of the car to survey the damage. A perfectly reasonable action, until I actually got out of the car. BIG MISTAKE. The recipient of my carelessness…was a trash car. Well, to be more accurate, a trash-truck-to-makeshift-mobile-home-conversion. It looked unoccupied so I approached to see how bad the damage was. What I should have remembered is that trash car ALWAYS looks unoccupied especially when it is not.
DEAR ASK A BUMPS:
I work in a very weird office environment the professionals I work with are older, in their 60’s. The support staff is young, dumb and full of cum.
I lie right in the middle of these worlds, not old enough for Viagra and not young enough to do keg stands. On one side I get to hear about miscarriages in toilets after one night stands and on the other I get to hear about hip replacement surgery. While I like to stay locked in my own office left to my thoughts and farts, I feel like I segregate myself too much at work. I don’t want to talk about ointment, and I don’t want to talk about jauger bombs and redbull either. What do I do?
Signed,
Why can’t people where suits to work anymore.
Dear Why can’t people wear suits to work anymore:
You are asking the wrong Bumps. This Bumps encourages as much anti social behavior as possible and my reasoning lies in your signature. In 2008, People have no class. Lock your door. Create an escape hatch that goes from your office directly to your car. Stay away from those troglodytes. Do not pass go. Do not stop for salt cheese. It sucks being socially separated from your coworkers, but look, you aren’t 60 and you aren’t in a fraternity. I’m guessing they all wear jeans and t shirts to work. You do not need one more friend who wears denim trousers. You need people who make you look good. That said, miscarriages in toilets is always good water cooler talk.
Sincerely
This:
is one of the most awesome things I have seen in awhile. And not just because one of my oldest friends portrays Brian Ku. You may also know him from the “how to use the internet” video ps my name is phil posted awhile back. You may also know him from www.jonahray.com. Enjoy
Guys,
I have a lot of work to do and I need to procrastinate but none of you are on line. Will someone entertain me? Im answering emails like a hungry lion and I’m about to start reading live journals. Phil, Slade…simon…somebody help.
Sincerely
bummps
Dear Bumps,
While most gangstas continue to rap about money, bitches and booze, I can’t help but notice our current economy is changing the way they play out their ‘gangsta’ life.
Dollars? Who’s flashing dollars? JayZ now chooses to flaunt stacks of Euros in music videos. Once worth less than the dollar, their value now is not only more powerful and adds color variety to the hand instead of boring GameBoy Green.
And with the always rising gas prices, many gangsters are taking to bikes to do their dirty work instead of opting for the classic drive by.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bicycle16-2008jul16,0,6609897.story
Is it time to flee the US and hope to raise a family on a stronger currency? Or should I wait and hope McCain can set our American gangsters back to the basics?
And when will I be seeing this bicycle drive by option in Grand Theft Auto?
wck
Dear WCK,
When writing to askabumps@gmail.com you must address your questions to ASKABUMPS and not just Bumps. I will assume if you address me in the familiar that it is personal email and call you with my gas saving thug solutions. This helps no one.
While it is a tragedy that our over inflated way of life is coming to an abrupt halt, I applaud Jay Z for teaching a perhaps non international gangsta community about world currencies. What I want to see more of, is thugs buying rims doing dollar to euro conversions in their head. Perhaps next Yen and then maybe…maybe the british pound (but really the pound fluctuates so frequently that it would truly be impressive to accurately convert them in ones dangerous mind).
The bicycle drive by is a staple of many cultures although with the exception of japan, mostly 3rd world ones. Don’t hate, wck, on the lack of gangsta resources, but instead applaud their ingenuity and creativity. Perhaps if the drive bys were done by surrey instead of standard bike they could at least capture the team spirit of a traditional, lowrider gangbang. Perhaps you should suggest this at the next city council meeting or write your congressman.
Askabumps does fully endorse fleeing for fairer economic climates. Perhaps to a country where you can buy a family and raise them on the currency of your adopted country only to shuttle them back here and expose them to Von Trapp family style culture shock when Emperor Mc Cain once again returns the platinum spinning medallions to the shorties who deserve them.
Sincerely
Ask a bumps
I need to alert Y’alls attention to something extreemly important. So important I have misspelled all these words.
Knotts Berry Farm is $20 after 4pm all summer. Im just saying. Cholos, bbq, circus cheese, log ride…
Still answering your questions in a totally not timely manner…
ASKABUMPS@GMAIL.COM
So, If you know me, you know my va-jay-jay has troubs. The following is an account of what sometimes happens when your va-jay-jay is as oprah says, “painin”.
[10:45] bumpsasarusrex: dude
[10:45] bumpsasarusrex: i have a story for you
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: that has nothing to do with dudes btw
[10:46] m0nstereye: let it rip
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: alright so yesterday I go to the vag-a-jay doctor to
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: find out whats up with my jay-jay
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: cuz its in troubs
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: so
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: the following things happen while im there:
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: #1 my new gyno hates the gays which made me extremely uncomfortable
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: since this shouldn’t be the first topic of conversation
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: when someone is staring into your gine
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: #2 I kept my boots on becuase im lazy and the nurse and the doctor (again while kickin it in my gine) sang the apple bottom jeans boot with the fur song
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: except the gyno was saying bell bottom jeans and then the nurse would make fun of him
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: THEN
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: I go for blood work and im in the blood chair
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: and I look up and see this like computer printout of a rediculously long internet joke about asking god to send you a good mexican man
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: so the lady takes like all of my blood
[10:49] m0nstereye: this is wonderful
[10:49] m0nstereye: you need to whateves this
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: and i held my breath becuase
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: i will
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: I wasn’t even thinking about it and she took 4 blood thingies
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and i passed out after giving her like 10 warning i was going to
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and then she got mad and made me lay on the floor and gave me “cold juice”
[10:50] m0nstereye: cold juice
[10:50] m0nstereye: hahaa
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: which was a capri sun (im sorry that does not qualify as cold juice)
[10:50] m0nstereye: hahaha
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and then i looked up
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: at like where my blood vials were kicking it
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: and there was a half eaten burrito like laying right next to my blood
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: then becuase my stupid arm would not stop bleeding
[10:51] m0nstereye: stay out the free clinic
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: they wrapped
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: no this was a nice rich orange county house wife [place
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: i was shocked
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: anyway
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: they wrapped my arm up in this crazy thing that had advertising for gardasil all over it
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: so then I couldn’t even go anywhere after becuase
[10:52] m0nstereye: ahahhah
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: my arm was advertising the hpv vaccine
[10:52] m0nstereye: this is the best outting ever
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: yeah it kind of ruled
I’m getting on a plane for paris right now suckers!!!!
If anyone has any recommendations of anything thats going on in the city this week, please let me know at askabumps@gmail.com.
trillemma, if you are by any chance reading this, email me and then grab a hover craft and come hang out.
I love Stan Winston like a fat kid loves cake. So I’m happy for him that he was able to peacefully die in his own home (even though he once refused to shake my hand at an event because I accidentally knocked him down as he was on his way to introduce Wrong Turn)but I must ask…what will become of Terminator 4?
10:02 Liveblogging has begun, my wine drinking happened earlier in the bathtub where I almost drown from a combination of charles shaw and sammy davis jr jokes and a pizza from hard times is on the way.
10:07 The game has begun. The only people on the couch are me, madex and mose the dog. Moose just sighed. Madex said “stop being upset moose, you didn’t loose any money.” We just lost our connection.
10:08 Brent is signed in, so is danceparty julie. everyone is racing but we can’t see it.
10:09 where is the pizza. man. OH! Simon came in. I love simon.
10:10 we still can’t get on. we are instead discussing why Cool As Ice should be on blue ray. ooo and legend of billy jean.
10:11 we are now discussing procuring bad movies “off shore”.
10:12 much is being made of Vanilla Ice’s career trajectory. Patbenetard just walked in!
10:13 simon and madex are racing while Patbenetard brushes his teeth. where is the goddamn pizza. I’ve had wine! I didn’t eat 7/11 donuts and now I have to wait for pizza. Is there no end to the indignities I must suffer?
10:14 simon sucks at this game as hard as I do. Oh wait, no, hes better.
10:17 simon is leaving.
10:18 pizza? pizza?
10:19 MAd ex and Patbenetard are racing. We are listening to records instead of the game. Right now we are listening to Ratatat. Madex just threatened to put the fame soundtrack on. its a slow night on the couch. Patbenetard is pouting. Julie is really good.
10:20 Patbenetard just asked us if when swining as a kid you would say “stay out of my toilet” to people swinging next to you. Now hes saying “stay out of my toilet” has nothing to do with being mormon. There is now a discussion of whether mormon kids are more or less perverted than other kids.
10:22 We are now discussing at what age we learned about sex. Phil came in first.
10:38 alright, Im back. I just took an extended pizza break. Hard Times wasn’t so great tonight. Its my favorite la pizza too. I need to find a new favorite. Its no bronx in san diego. I also had an extended day dream about the orange county fair. Im going to eat a lot of fried things. and look at the worlds biggest horse and ride dirty tarp. I wish it was tomorrow.
10:39 the only people playing are brent, madex, patbenetard and phil. This is way uneventful.
10:40 I’m going to blog about what DancePartyJulie and I did on saturday night becuase its more entertaining than this weak ass game.
10:41 so i went to pick julie up and passed by a lesbian rally and eddie griffin was yelling at lesbians from his car.
10:42 then we went to mexico city and drank tequila and ate cheese. there were drag queens everywhere. when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw this weird white dude going through the recycling. when we walked around the front of the restaurant he was sitting in his car with a towel across his lap jerking off. that guy must have really liked recycling.
10:43 then we went to japantown and got in an elevator full of japanese people who laughed at us and talked shit.
10:44 we got out of an elevator and a guy foaming at the mouth yelled at us. Then we walked to Moca for the struggle. we drank wine, layed on the ground and harassed henry rollins. then don bolles walked in with a haram of 25 year old ladies.
10:45 He sat down on a morrocan pouf by way of the ikea childrens department and they all sat around him like he was charles manson. then I got bored of spying on don bolles and laughing at henry rollins and went in the museum.
10:47 then they showed old punk videos outside. I was there for flipper videos but they never showed flipper. They did show old tuxedomoon footage and I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Tuxedomoon is lame. also jello biafra is embarassing to watch do anything.
10:48 there was about 2 seconds of germs footage and rad video of an artist who built robots and things that explode and Rollins era blackflag which I am mostly ambivalent about.
10:49 we ran into madeline and josh and then went to a party at worstcasekevin’s house. we were the oldest people there.
10:50 I ate a 3 muskateers and text messaged until it was time to go home. i was the designated driver.
10:54 madex has speculated that with the wii fit, you can make wii porn
10:55 we are listening to murder city devils. I think patbenetard is having a seizure.
10:56 “I looked at bumps and flew off the side, I shouldn’t talk dirty!”
10:57 man, pizza is in me. im going to have pizza nightmares. I ate some fucked up things today. I had coffee and a lot of m&ms and pizza and a bunch of wine and some almonds. Is anybody out there a dietician? I think i need an intervention. My bachelor life is going to kill me.
11:01 where is everybody??!?!?!? where are the brennemans and devil wife? this game is serriously weak,
11:02 patbenetard just said “the best thing about pizza is that when I eat it, my moustache smells like cheese”
11:14 alright I’m done. I’ll be gone for the next two wednesdays but I might liveblog this anyway from france and just do it over the phone…maybe.
Techcrunch and valleywag are both liveblogging it!!!! Log in NOW!!!!
www.techcrunch.com
www.valleywag.com
