My friend, let’s call him “Chad” has a track record of dating the biggest idiots ever. Often times, he will be foolish enough to make them his friends on social networking sites, and then I will befriend them just to watch how stupid, useless and vapid they are. The bad thing is that Chad knows that he deserves better, and he should just leave these girls alone, but old habits are hard to break, like when I told myself that I would stop drinking soda, and stop leaving hitchhikers in shallow graves. It was just too hard.

So now that the “25 Things” epidemic has hit FB, I was so happy to see how one of his clueless ex’s filled out her’s…
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Now, I know that most of our loyal readership does not have children, so most of what I tell you is to be taken as a cautionary tale… For the most part, when I am hanging out with my little girls, live is awesome. Especially if its just the family – me, the wife, and the girls. The thing with kids is, that they’re the best when you don’t have to deal with all of their friends, and more importantly, their idiot parents. continue reading this story —>

I got a lot going on today. Sadly, this ICP story only made me feel worse. See how it works for you:

ICP Idiots Hang Out at Phoenix Shopping Center, Piss Off Community

i hate this.

Unless you operate a punch press at the local foundry or car manufacturing plant, you sheer animals for a living, or have the luxury of not having to work, more than likely you have a phone at your desk.

You see that little button that says “Speaker” ??? continue reading this story —>

I don’t drink, I don’t do any weird substances, I don’t smoke. I have 2 vices: soda and fried items. I know my soda. I can blind taste test Coke vs. Pepsi vs. RC and nail all three. I can tell you which quickie mart in my prefecture has the best fountain drink selection and I can mix up a concoction at said quickie mart soda fountain that will amaze you… I know my soda. I haven’t had a Diet Coke in about 6 months, if not longer. The wife has been buying Coke Zero for a LONG time, and its pretty good, along with Coke, and sometimes Mtn. Dew.
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My daughter just took my iPhone, and opened up You Tube. Then she put it on some video of some little kids shredding at a skate park. Then she ran into the bathroom, and proceeded to do her bidness while watching said video. I went in to check on her and she said “I am watching my video. CLOSE THE DOOR!” I said “Don’t drop that in the toilet”. A few minutes later I heard “Daddy, I’m all done going POO!”

She’s 3.

Phil says that I should burn the iPhone, but I have seen him french kiss Klaus on the mouth, so I don’t think he needs to say a damn thing about hygiene.

Alright… This has been going on for about 4 months too long. There’s a dude on our floor that wears sweatpants to work, every fucking day. I don’t have sweatpants, and as an adult, I feel that they’re one thing that you need to let go of when you grow up and get a real job, where people are on salary. If you get paid by the hour, make cold calls, sign people up for magazine subscriptions on the phone, or if you’re a hot co-ed walking down the aisle of the local FoodPlex™, then they’re alright.

If you work at a multi-billion dollar entertainment conglomerate, they’re not cool.

The issue here, is that I try to class it up when I go into the office. Nice buttoned down shirt, interesting shoes, clean, well fitting trousers. I do my best to not look like I overslept and missed Intro to Poly Sci, and Theater Appreciation earlier that morning, because I was out at Denny’s eating a Moons Over My Hammy at 4:45. The other creepy thing about Sweatpants Guy, is that he was making out with his girl the other day in the break room. A little background on Sweatpants Guy (SWPG) – he seems to be from an eastern bloc country.

Fuck a duck… I just spilled chicken noodle soup on my new shirt I got last night while writing this. Damnit all to hell…

Back to SWPG – Eastern Bloc Country. Probably ending with an “nia”. The girlfriend looks like any blonde Russian gymnast from the past 20 years. Take your pick.

They had then hands all going, tongues interlocking, all while SWPG’s food is re-heating in the microwave. I came in to get some ice, and I am pretty sure I audibly said “Whoa! Look out!” as I was caught off guard. They didn’t blink an eye, and didn’t remove one single hand from an inappropriate place on each other’s anatomy. Now every time I see him in the halls, I have the double whammy of seeing him rock the fucking pants of shame, and know that he’s going to have that mail order bride of his all contorted up like a pretzel later on tonight while they let their steaming cauldron of borscht cooking on the stove.

Look… I don’t wear my glasses all the time. I have a pair, yes. They’re small, unobtrusive, they just do their job and get out of the way. Other people out there pump it up a bit. They get a few pairs, make a fashion statement, keep it middle of the road (i.e. bumps). These are a little larger than the normal pair that I rock from time to time, and these folks are usually the fashion forward crew. Then there’s the crew that have BIG sunglasses, which are fun, and fashionable, a staple of any collection. continue reading this story —>

Look, I gotta make this quick today. I have a bunch of nonsense that needs my attention… so here we go:

Each morning on the way to work I pass a billboard for Banjo.com. It says “Banjo.com, your bluegrass superstore” It may as well say “Nothing for you here.com This site isn’t for you, anyone you know, or anyone you want to know”. I am going to take the high road here and not slag people that play bluegrass. That’s like shooting fish in a barrel, and for that matter, I fly RC Helicopters, which is on the other end of the dork spectrum, so I can’t talk. I am going to merely point out that if you’re gonna advertise with a billboard on a MAJOR freeway in the US, you’d probably better not have a website that sucks. Also, that dude is totally gonna nail that girl once he’s done serenading her with his bluegrass tune on his banjo. Something that spinning a mechanized beast in circles with a small controller will never do… I guess banjos aren’t so bad after all.

Today at lunch I am downstairs in the cafeteria. I am getting a Coke at the fountain, and a skinny young black dude is fixing the machine. He’s messing with it for a second, and then apparently gets it fixed. How do i know this?

Because he screams out:

“You CAN’T tell ME science ain’t good!”

“Molecules, Electrons, they take care-a everything!”

As a kid my parents did me a favor and drove me around all of these areas. The operative word is “kid”. That’s because I was too young to know what I was getting myself into. As an adult, I can now notice the giant amount of suck that these states offer. I have been to 45 out of the 50 states, so I feel very confident in saying, the Army Corps of Engineers can some how saw these states out of the union and then float them out to sea, making them into islands that we don’t ever have to worry about again.
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This past weekend the wife was out of town with the girls. That really means one thing: I eat like total shit. Usually I eat fruit, some chicken, vegetables, soda, some crackers, more fruit and some more soda. Somewhere there’s some cheese in the mix too.
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I am so nerdy. I have started down the path of the most dorkified hobby ever – RC Helicopters. Far more geeky than planes, less geeky than robots and less glamorous than battlebots, the RC Heli is not for the faint of heart. They can kill you, are incredibly hard to fly and need constant maintenance and take years to master. But, its better than golf, and less pretentious than tennis, which is my other alternative out here in suburbia.

Dorktastic RC Helicopter Flying:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np5XSTwv4vA

I just posted that I ate a Subway sandwich that upstaged the entire cast of Mannequin in  regards to Estelle Getty Passing away. Come with me and explore how vital a role Subway has played in my life, won’t you?
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