Things just keep getting better…tales of the worst of times as they are overshadowed and/or made funny/insignificant by the very best of times.

Here’s my story. I have an encyclopedia Britannica’s worth of these moments over the last 3 years that I would like to share. Also, because once someone shit in my shower and you should care.

This morning while concocting some truly awful protein shake while in my underwear with my finger on the pulse setting of the blender, staring down at my new collection of hives that make clothing nearly impossible, I realized that, as I stated above, I was blending semi-nude without inhibition. Here’s why this is awesome…

I once shared a kitchen with a beast that I found on craigslist. Beast found maggots in beast’s ‘very old laundry.’ That’s verbatim, I can’t make this shit up. Side note: Does laundry have age? Does it expire? Moving on, the beast chose to pile all maggoty laundry onto the kitchen floor. I am not, nor is beast a Rockafeller, so needless to say, the kitchen was tiny and also used frequently by us and therefore there was no room for ‘old’ or ‘new/young’ laundry. Maggots catch my gag reflex, especially around my foods. I could no longer use the kitchen. Beast did not care because beast ate only tubs of rice pudding that were opened and finished in one sitting. Not only could I never use the kitchen again, I felt compelled to be dressed from head to toe at all times. Not that I would have sashayed into the kitchen nude with beast around, but I might have risked barefoot. I ceased to be able to take showers at this residence. Beast constantly took dumps and made that area uninhabitable anyway. Eventually I moved…

Fast forward to this morning….blending in my underwear and barefoot. Not a maggot is sight, just a disgruntled French turtle and a whole lot of booze. Despite my hives and horrible protein shake of a breakfast, life just keeps getting better.

Look for future installments of ‘Life: It just keeps getting better’