DEAR ASK A BUMPS:

I work in a very weird office environment the professionals I work with are older, in their 60’s. The support staff is young, dumb and full of cum.
I lie right in the middle of these worlds, not old enough for Viagra and not young enough to do keg stands. On one side I get to hear about miscarriages in toilets after one night stands and on the other I get to hear about hip replacement surgery. While I like to stay locked in my own office left to my thoughts and farts, I feel like I segregate myself too much at work. I don’t want to talk about ointment, and I don’t want to talk about jauger bombs and redbull either. What do I do?

Signed,
Why can’t people where suits to work anymore.

Dear Why can’t people wear suits to work anymore:

You are asking the wrong Bumps. This Bumps encourages as much anti social behavior as possible and my reasoning lies in your signature. In 2008, People have no class. Lock your door. Create an escape hatch that goes from your office directly to your car. Stay away from those troglodytes. Do not pass go. Do not stop for salt cheese. It sucks being socially separated from your coworkers, but look, you aren’t 60 and you aren’t in a fraternity. I’m guessing they all wear jeans and t shirts to work. You do not need one more friend who wears denim trousers. You need people who make you look good. That said, miscarriages in toilets is always good water cooler talk.

Sincerely

AskABumps

Dear Bumps,
While most gangstas continue to rap about money, bitches and booze, I can’t help but notice our current economy is changing the way they play out their ‘gangsta’ life.
Dollars? Who’s flashing dollars? JayZ now chooses to flaunt stacks of Euros in music videos. Once worth less than the dollar, their value now is not only more powerful and adds color variety to the hand instead of boring GameBoy Green.
And with the always rising gas prices, many gangsters are taking to bikes to do their dirty work instead of opting for the classic drive by.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bicycle16-2008jul16,0,6609897.story

Is it time to flee the US and hope to raise a family on a stronger currency? Or should I wait and hope McCain can set our American gangsters back to the basics?
And when will I be seeing this bicycle drive by option in Grand Theft Auto?

wck

Dear WCK,

When writing to askabumps@gmail.com you must address your questions to ASKABUMPS and not just Bumps. I will assume if you address me in the familiar that it is personal email and call you with my gas saving thug solutions. This helps no one.
While it is a tragedy that our over inflated way of life is coming to an abrupt halt, I applaud Jay Z for teaching a perhaps non international gangsta community about world currencies. What I want to see more of, is thugs buying rims doing dollar to euro conversions in their head. Perhaps next Yen and then maybe…maybe the british pound (but really the pound fluctuates so frequently that it would truly be impressive to accurately convert them in ones dangerous mind).
The bicycle drive by is a staple of many cultures although with the exception of japan, mostly 3rd world ones. Don’t hate, wck, on the lack of gangsta resources, but instead applaud their ingenuity and creativity. Perhaps if the drive bys were done by surrey instead of standard bike they could at least capture the team spirit of a traditional, lowrider gangbang. Perhaps you should suggest this at the next city council meeting or write your congressman.
Askabumps does fully endorse fleeing for fairer economic climates. Perhaps to a country where you can buy a family and raise them on the currency of your adopted country only to shuttle them back here and expose them to Von Trapp family style culture shock when Emperor Mc Cain once again returns the platinum spinning medallions to the shorties who deserve them.

Sincerely

Ask a bumps

Still answering your questions in a totally not timely manner…

ASKABUMPS@GMAIL.COM

So, If you know me, you know my va-jay-jay has troubs. The following is an account of what sometimes happens when your va-jay-jay is as oprah says, “painin”.

[10:45] bumpsasarusrex: dude
[10:45] bumpsasarusrex: i have a story for you
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: that has nothing to do with dudes btw
[10:46] m0nstereye: let it rip
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: alright so yesterday I go to the vag-a-jay doctor to
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: find out whats up with my jay-jay
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: cuz its in troubs
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: so
[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: the following things happen while im there:

[10:46] bumpsasarusrex: #1 my new gyno hates the gays which made me extremely uncomfortable
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: since this shouldn’t be the first topic of conversation
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: when someone is staring into your gine
[10:47] bumpsasarusrex: #2 I kept my boots on becuase im lazy and the nurse and the doctor (again while kickin it in my gine) sang the apple bottom jeans boot with the fur song
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: except the gyno was saying bell bottom jeans and then the nurse would make fun of him
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: THEN
[10:48] bumpsasarusrex: I go for blood work and im in the blood chair
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: and I look up and see this like computer printout of a rediculously long internet joke about asking god to send you a good mexican man
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: so the lady takes like all of my blood
[10:49] m0nstereye: this is wonderful
[10:49] m0nstereye: you need to whateves this
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: and i held my breath becuase
[10:49] bumpsasarusrex: i will
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: I wasn’t even thinking about it and she took 4 blood thingies
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and i passed out after giving her like 10 warning i was going to
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and then she got mad and made me lay on the floor and gave me “cold juice”
[10:50] m0nstereye: cold juice
[10:50] m0nstereye: hahaa
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: which was a capri sun (im sorry that does not qualify as cold juice)
[10:50] m0nstereye: hahaha
[10:50] bumpsasarusrex: and then i looked up
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: at like where my blood vials were kicking it
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: and there was a half eaten burrito like laying right next to my blood
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: then becuase my stupid arm would not stop bleeding
[10:51] m0nstereye: stay out the free clinic
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: they wrapped
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: no this was a nice rich orange county house wife [place
[10:51] bumpsasarusrex: i was shocked
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: anyway
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: they wrapped my arm up in this crazy thing that had advertising for gardasil all over it
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: so then I couldn’t even go anywhere after becuase
[10:52] m0nstereye: ahahhah
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: my arm was advertising the hpv vaccine
[10:52] m0nstereye: this is the best outting ever
[10:52] bumpsasarusrex: yeah it kind of ruled

10:02 Liveblogging has begun, my wine drinking happened earlier in the bathtub where I almost drown from a combination of charles shaw and sammy davis jr jokes and a pizza from hard times is on the way.

10:07 The game has begun. The only people on the couch are me, madex and mose the dog. Moose just sighed. Madex said “stop being upset moose, you didn’t loose any money.” We just lost our connection.

10:08 Brent is signed in, so is danceparty julie. everyone is racing but we can’t see it.

10:09 where is the pizza. man. OH! Simon came in. I love simon.

10:10 we still can’t get on. we are instead discussing why Cool As Ice should be on blue ray. ooo and legend of billy jean.

10:11 we are now discussing procuring bad movies “off shore”.

10:12 much is being made of Vanilla Ice’s career trajectory. Patbenetard just walked in!

10:13 simon and madex are racing while Patbenetard brushes his teeth. where is the goddamn pizza. I’ve had wine! I didn’t eat 7/11 donuts and now I have to wait for pizza. Is there no end to the indignities I must suffer?

10:14 simon sucks at this game as hard as I do. Oh wait, no, hes better.

10:17 simon is leaving.

10:18 pizza? pizza?

10:19 MAd ex and Patbenetard are racing. We are listening to records instead of the game. Right now we are listening to Ratatat. Madex just threatened to put the fame soundtrack on. its a slow night on the couch. Patbenetard is pouting. Julie is really good.

10:20 Patbenetard just asked us if when swining as a kid you would say “stay out of my toilet” to people swinging next to you. Now hes saying “stay out of my toilet” has nothing to do with being mormon. There is now a discussion of whether mormon kids are more or less perverted than other kids.

10:22 We are now discussing at what age we learned about sex. Phil came in first.

10:38 alright, Im back. I just took an extended pizza break. Hard Times wasn’t so great tonight. Its my favorite la pizza too. I need to find a new favorite. Its no bronx in san diego. I also had an extended day dream about the orange county fair. Im going to eat a lot of fried things. and look at the worlds biggest horse and ride dirty tarp. I wish it was tomorrow.

10:39 the only people playing are brent, madex, patbenetard and phil. This is way uneventful.

10:40 I’m going to blog about what DancePartyJulie and I did on saturday night becuase its more entertaining than this weak ass game.

10:41 so i went to pick julie up and passed by a lesbian rally and eddie griffin was yelling at lesbians from his car.

10:42 then we went to mexico city and drank tequila and ate cheese. there were drag queens everywhere. when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw this weird white dude going through the recycling. when we walked around the front of the restaurant he was sitting in his car with a towel across his lap jerking off. that guy must have really liked recycling.

10:43 then we went to japantown and got in an elevator full of japanese people who laughed at us and talked shit.

10:44 we got out of an elevator and a guy foaming at the mouth yelled at us. Then we walked to Moca for the struggle. we drank wine, layed on the ground and harassed henry rollins. then don bolles walked in with a haram of 25 year old ladies.

10:45 He sat down on a morrocan pouf by way of the ikea childrens department and they all sat around him like he was charles manson. then I got bored of spying on don bolles and laughing at henry rollins and went in the museum.

10:47 then they showed old punk videos outside. I was there for flipper videos but they never showed flipper. They did show old tuxedomoon footage and I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Tuxedomoon is lame. also jello biafra is embarassing to watch do anything.

10:48 there was about 2 seconds of germs footage and rad video of an artist who built robots and things that explode and Rollins era blackflag which I am mostly ambivalent about.

10:49 we ran into madeline and josh and then went to a party at worstcasekevin’s house. we were the oldest people there.

10:50 I ate a 3 muskateers and text messaged until it was time to go home. i was the designated driver.

10:54 madex has speculated that with the wii fit, you can make wii porn

10:55 we are listening to murder city devils. I think patbenetard is having a seizure.

10:56 “I looked at bumps and flew off the side, I shouldn’t talk dirty!”

10:57 man, pizza is in me. im going to have pizza nightmares. I ate some fucked up things today. I had coffee and a lot of m&ms and pizza and a bunch of wine and some almonds. Is anybody out there a dietician? I think i need an intervention. My bachelor life is going to kill me.

11:01 where is everybody??!?!?!? where are the brennemans and devil wife? this game is serriously weak,

11:02 patbenetard just said “the best thing about pizza is that when I eat it, my moustache smells like cheese”

11:14 alright I’m done. I’ll be gone for the next two wednesdays but I might liveblog this anyway from france and just do it over the phone…maybe.

Dear Ask A Bumps:
Analyze This…
So you know when you wake up and you have that small window just before you forget what you were dreaming about? Today I had that so I did my best to remember my dream and though who else better to listen and comment on my dream then the expert advice giver.

Last night I was dreaming that I was hanging out with Elvis. We were friends. We were in sailor outfits leaving out battle ship and heading for shore. Elvis had his guitar with him. I remember we were talking and singing as we walked. Like in his movies. Later, we met up with some friends and when the night was over we hugged. It was a good day. I woke up in a good mood

Am I totally crazy? Did my brain go haywire?

-P

Dear -P:

Askabumps@gmail.com says absolutley no. Your brain did not go haywire. You simply graduated to the next plane of human intelligence. Its what The Real Simon refers to as “communing with the king”. It is an evolved state so great as to connect you directly with one of the universe’s greatest dieties; Elvis. This was no accident. You must have worked super hard during your regular REM cycles to finaly make contact.
Now, lets break this down. You say at the beginning of your dream, you and Mr. Presley were wearing sailor outfits and leaving your battleship. To dream of a war ship means your are experiencing feelings of aggression. Maybe you were aggro becuase you were afraid that your adventures with the King had come to pass. To sing in your dream means that you are emotionally and spiritually fulfilled. Obviously. Dreaming of Elvis can mean only this. To dream of hugging means you need to be more affectionate. -P, The prophet Elvis preseley has visited you in your dreams to tell you to be more affectionate and let go of your aggressions. I think the best way to acheive this might be to bring us cupcakes from your wife’s bakery. Yes…elvis wants you to do this.

Sincerely,

askabumps@gmail.com

This weekend in Utah I captured a very happy Kelly bumps dancing to no music at all. This is why she’s my hero.
Bumps Can Dance

Bumps, my Grandma thinks your fuckin’ gaaaay.

Dear askabumps,

with all my unemployment I stopped drinking and I have been working out a lot, this has been giving me extra energy, that I try to use up but at night I am wired and can’t sleep. When I say wired, I mean, I wanna play super man, I scream for no reason, I need a ball room and a pogo stick. What can I do to relax and go to sleep,

fo sho,

Bouncing off the fucking walls.

Dear Bouncing off the fucking walls:

Askabumps@gmail.com has been having similar problems. There is only one way I know how to handle this without sedatives (askabumps@gmail.com does not under any circumstances endorse the use of artificial sleep aides). Depression. You need to work up a good ole fashion deep depression. You will never stop sleeping. Forget about ever having the motivation to ever do anything again. Go to the gym as much as you want, it wont matter you will just want to sleep and most likely also die. My other solution: wine. Box of wine.

Ask a bumps

Dear Ask A Bumps:
I wanted to try out this new restaurant in silver lake called Andiamos. Have you been? should I go?

Madex

Dear Madex:

Do you like to dine for 2 hours for no good reason? Do you like an employee to customer ratio of 2 to 1? Do you like to not be able to tell whether the person pouring your water is homeless or your waiter? Bottom line, the pizza is pretty good. Not the best in the neighborhood but pretty good. Good enough to go back. But I saw things there that have scarred my retinas for life. Waiter who would not take off his man purse opening a beer for a customer with a lighter. Skirt tits. Kids making robot noises and running into the kitchen. A pregnant Santino Rice and enough confusing pathological behavior to start its own cult. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m just saying don’t go unless you have a sense of humor and two hours to basically do nothing but marvel at human atrocity.

Sincerely,

Ask A bumps

Dear Bumps,

I have a question which has been nagging me and it seems when I ask my
fellow wipers they are divided as to the correct procedure. When
putting a new roll of toilet paper on the roller what is the proper
way to place it? Should it be ‘up and over’ or ‘down and under’? I
prefer ‘up and over’ and feel this is the correct way to place toilet
paper on the roll as it makes it an easier process for tearing off the
paper. Please shed some light on this subject for me.

Most Sincerely,
A Concerned Wiper
(aka ‘the real simon’)

Dear concerned wiper, simon:

Askabumps@gmail.com has always been of the opinion that over and up is the way to go and here is why: triangular folding. Yes, I like to pretend I live in a hotel so I fold the most recently freed end of toilet paper into a point. This is impossible to do with filthy, filthy down and under. Since concerned wiper’s house is as cool as living in a hotel, I would recommend up and over with the hotel fold. I will be over this weekend to inspect that you are doing this correctly.
Sincerely
Ask A Bumps

ASKABUMPS has been on hiatus but now I am back and ready to tell you how to fix your problems.

Your problems…let me show you them

askabumps@gmail.com = queries go here

Dear Ask A Bumps:

I’m a working professional, I have a healthy relationship with my friends, peers and co workers. I have a cleaning lady, a dog and a Mortgage. By all accounts I seem like an adult, but I am addicted to the new Mario Galaxy on the wii.
I like to play videos games, but I like to keep a far distance from the stereotype. I don’t have the gaming chair, I don’t get Nintendo power magazine, I only have 3 games for my wii ( Wii sports, Attack of the Rabids and Mario Galaxy). I don’t spend hours on end playing the game. I still like Ms Pac-man and think its the best game of all time, but I find myself glued to Mario Galaxy because, well, its awesome. I have limited myself to passing one level a day, to keep me from becoming a sexless loser at the mercy of my wii. I read there is 122 levels, so this game will be making me happy well into 2008. I guess my question is, as long as I never get guitar hero, is it ok to still be into video games when your 28?

P.S. They have metroid now for the wii, and I am pretending they don’t.

Madex

Dear Madex:

Askabumps@gmail.com has taken many weeks to answer this question becuase I have been playing Mario Galaxy. Right now as I type this with one hand, I am being co-pilot for Mr. Askabumps with the other. Picking up starbits, feeding them to those glowing blobs. Did I mention that Mario is a bee right now? Because he is. I recently read an article that made the argument that generation X is the most sex-less generation in modern history. They blamed aids, stds and birth control pills for makin’ your vag dry like old chicken. I blame video games. When that Wii mote is in my hand the last thing I want is for anything to go near my private bits and askabumps@gmail.com is VERY humpy. A friend who will remain nameless has recently started abusing World of Warcraft. While we were hanging out, he would mention what his dwarf avatar would do in whatever situation we were in and extolled the attributes of his digital alter ego. In his online game life, he was cooking, dancing and making jewelry. After I stopped punching him, I realized that this is it for us as a people. We possibly have 50 good years left, if we are lucky before the entire world goes to crap. Sometimes its better in there than it is out here. Its a hell of a lot easier to collect all the stars in the Good Egg Galaxy than it is to spend those hours worrying about instability in Pakistan. We are living in a time where we have access to the maximum amount of information, but have the least amount of control. We can controll the game play and I think that without these things our brains would short circuit and we would never leave the house. This way our brains remain in tact and we still never leave the house. Stop pretending there is no metroid and stay far away from guitar hero. Maybe Nintendo will release a Wii game that re-teaches us how our genitals work. Until then, I believe princess toadstool needs your help.

Sincerely,

Bumps

It wasn’t long ago that our own Kelly Bumps was keeping busy with askabumps@gmail.com answering many questions from whateves readers.  But now, she has branched out and is now going BIG TIME with her very own website. This is so awesome. Still send your questions to askabumps@gmail.com and look for your answers soon on her very own website.

 Askbumps.com

Past ask a bumps whateves posts 

Dear bumps,

I have watched plenty of those ‘I’m a mac’ and ‘I’m a pc’ commercails lately. Is it weird that I want to have little computer babies with mac? pc could watch if he wanted to, although he probably wouldn’t be able to compute what was going on. is this some kind of mother board malfunction, am I the only computer nerd that wants to breed with mac? I feel nerdy. is there something wrong with me?

xoxo
NTB
Dear NTB:

Nothing is wrong with you. This is exactly what Mac wants. He wants you to fall in love with him, by being really easy to figure out and never malfunctioning; at least not until the warrantee is up.  After 90 days, he wants to knock your shit up and pretend he never met you. Mac will not pay child support, Mac will not do court ordered visitation days and you’re crazy if you think Mac will take a paternity test. He’ll say he never even met you. So before you get involved with Mac, think about what your Montel episode will be like and consider investing in a typewriter.

Bumps

Dear Askabumps@gmail.com,

I am 27. I feel old. I can’t stay up late without being cranky the next day. I like to go to bed at 8:30pm when possible. I have to check the 25 and older box when surveyed. I catch myself thinking and saying under my breath, “Damn Kids”. I drive poorly at night without glasses. I have too many gray hairs, and I find myself wearing nylons more often than not. Despite this slew of “old” activities that I have been reduced to, I shop in the Junior’s section of my local Department Store. I cannot see myself in the Women’s section for another 15 years or so.

How old is too old to shop at Forever 21 and in the Junior’s Section,

Please advise,

The Orthopedic Goddess

Dear Orthopedic Goddess:

This querrie hit home hard for Askabumps@gmail.com who has been having some serious identity problems in the aging department. I too love being old but am afraid of seeming old. I’ve been pondering this one for about a week and the answer hit me this morning while reading an article about one of those hot lady teachers who got down with a student who was arrested again for inappropriate underage relations. The following mugshot is the beginning to the answer to your question…observe:

The above image scared me straight off not being able to “dress my age”. The answer to how old is too old is the following: If you were to be arrested right now for being a hot lady teacher banging an underage student, would what you are wearing make your mugshot creepy/mentally handicapped? If the answer to this is yes, burn what you are wearing. After seeing this, I will never wear anything “cute” again. No more Hello Kitty T-shirts, no more XL clothes from the kids section. Its over and I am more than okay with that. That said. You have a juniors size body. Be thankful and use forever 21 and the juniors section to dress in an age and size appropriate manner. Askabumps@gmail.com has never seen you dress inappropriately for your age or size so I guess the answer is when you are too old to fit into the clothes you are too old to wear them. Until then, dress for your mugshot.

Bumps

Past Ask a bumps